36 Questions to Fall in Love: The Science-Backed Way to Get Closer

In 1997, psychologist Dr. Arthur Aron published a study that changed how we understand intimacy. He found that two strangers who asked each other 36 specific questions (and then stared into each other's eyes for 4 minutes) reported feeling significantly closer - some even fell in love.

The study went viral years later when a New York Times essay titled "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This" described one woman's experience using the questions. They work for strangers, but they're even more powerful for couples who want to deepen their bond.

The Science Behind the Questions

The 36 questions work because they follow a specific pattern:

1. Gradual Escalation Questions start light and progressively become more personal, creating psychological safety for deeper disclosure.

2. Reciprocal Vulnerability Both people answer each question, creating mutual vulnerability rather than one-sided interrogation.

3. Positive Framing Questions focus on positive or meaningful experiences rather than conflicts or complaints.

Set 1: Light Questions

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say?
4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

Set 2: Deeper Questions

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old, which would you want?
7. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
8. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
9. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
10. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, or the future, what would you want to know?

Set 3: Vulnerable Questions

11. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
12. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
13. What do you value most in a friendship?
14. What is your most treasured memory?
15. What is your most terrible memory?

How to Use These Questions

Set the Scene

No distractions. Phones away. Face each other.

Take Turns

One person asks, both answer. Then switch.

Don't Rush

These aren't meant to be rapid-fire. Let conversations develop.

Do the Eye Contact

The original study ended with 4 minutes of silent eye contact. Try it.

Want more intimacy-building questions? Spark offers 500+ questions organized by depth level.

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